Last, Cast + Quizzes

» It’s my last day a “consultant” before becoming a “contractor.” This means I get a nameplate on my cubicle. Eventually.

» The second in a series of podcasts for Enthusiam Radio. Yeah Yeah Yeahs.

1) What is the most random object around you?
A yellow brain shaped “brain jam sessions” stress release foam squeeze toy.

2) Did you get laid last night?
I’m not an egg.

3) What were you doing at 8:00 this morning?
Reading on the subway.

4) What were you doing 30 minutes ago?
Helping an innept coworker stick a jpeg in a word doc.

5) Last place you took a plane to?
Toronto.

6) Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?
Eva. My soon to be ex-landlord.

7) Favorite kind of beer?
Ale. Dark and mellow.

8) Last thing you ate?
Arrowroot cookie.

9) Last thing you purchased?
Double americano.

10) Do you steal?
Office supplies. I suppose I have to admit that.

11) Where are you right now?
In my cube.

12) Three words to explain why you last threw up:
Do. Not. Remember.

13) How’s your mood lately?
“snakey”

14) Where did your last hug take place?
Kitchen. 

15) What are your plans for the weekend?
Moving Nicole to her new pad.

16) Ever kissed someone who smokes?
I’ve kissed 3 smokers. 

17) Ever bang someone who smokes?
I’ve never shot a smoker.

18) Are you a jealous person?
Covetous? No. Envious of other people’s friendships when I’m feeling lonley due to my isolationist lifestyle? Sometimes.

19) Did you have a good birthday last year?
It was pretty good.

20) Are you tired right now?
50/50

21) What are your outlooks on gay/bisexual relationships?
Bisexuals have a 50% greater chance of finding true love.

24) Last text says?
I don’t have a cell phone. Or a blackberry.

25) How many kids do you plan on having?
Zero.

27) Is your hair curly?
no

28) Last person in your car?
Probably the guy from the auto-wrecker who bought it.

30) Do you get good grades?
Back in the day I was a supastar.

32) Have you ever told someone of the opposite/same sex you loved them?
No, I’ve never told a hermaphrodite I loved them.

33) Where are your favorite pair of jeans from?
Uh… Zellers?

34) How much longer will you be living at your current residence?
Two more months. I plan to stay at my next pad until I buy a house of my own.

35) Have you kissed anyone on the lips within the past 74 hours?
No.

36) Have you ever been awake for 48 hours straight?
Yes. Don’t like that feeling.

37) Do you like someone that doesn’t know you like them?
I dislike people who don’t know I dislike them.

38) Do you like bananas?
They’re okay. I can only eat about two a month before I start gagging on them.

39) Any tattoos?
No.

40) Do you cry easily?
Only during movies. I save all my emotions for fictional realms.

41) Do you have any siblings?
Not that I’m aware of.

42) Where did you go today?

Street > Subway Station > St. Clair plaza > 2 St. Clair West > Cubicle > Printer Room > Manager’s Office > Kitchen > Washroom > Cubicle 

43) What should you be doing right now?
Watching the progress bar on an FTP upload?

44) Are you a heavy sleeper?
I can be. But not lately.

45) Last time you did the dishes?
Day before yesterday. It’s Nicole’s turn.

46) Name someone who made you smile today?
A co-worker. But it was a fake smile masking distain and impatience.

47) Do you own a little black dress?
Ah, no.

48) Next concert you are going to?
My Bloody Valentine is coming in september. Wonder if it’s sold out…

49) Your favorite thing to drink on a hot summer day?
Orangina or a cervasa.

50) What colour garbage can were you last in?
Garbage can coloured.

51)Are you happy?
I’m keeping it together with duct tape. 

TECHNOLOGY

Q. What is your IQ?
A. 100 billion

Q. Number of contacts in your email address book?
A. Too many to count.

Q. What is your wallpaper on your computer?
A. The painting in my living room

Q. How many televisions are in your house?
A. One. Soon to be zero.

BIOLOGY

Q. Are you right-handed or left-handed?
A. right

Q. What’s your best feature?
A. Some say my giggle.

Q. Have you ever had anything removed from your body?
A. Wisdom. Twice.

Q. Which of your five senses do you think is keenest?
A. Irony

Q. When was the last time you had a cavity?
A. Probably have one I don’t know about.

Q. What is the heaviest item you lifted last?
A. My bag.

Q. Have you ever been knocked unconscious?
A. Grade 7 gym “sleeper” hold.
 

MOUTHOLOGY

Q. What is your salad dressing of choice?
A. Don’t care for it.

Q. What is your favorite fast food restaurant?
A. Pizzaiolo.

Q. What is your favorite sit-down restaurant?
A. Nataraj.

Q. On average, what size tip do you leave at a restaurant?
A. Whatever rounds up nicely that isn’t too paltry. 

Q. What food could you eat every day for two weeks and not get sick off of?
A. Pizza. Though I’d get sick from that.

Q. What are your pizza toppings of choice?
A. cheese.

Q. What do you like to put on your toast?
A. Raspberry jam.

Q. What is your favorite type of gum?
A. Something minty. NOT wintergreen.

BULL[CRAP]OLOGY

Q. If it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die?
A. Absolutely. I’d want to dress nice.

Q. Is love for real?
A. Attraction and companionship are real. I think that passes for what people think of as love.

Q. If you could change your name, what would you change it to?
A. I can change my name. Maybe to… Dean Hatchet, PI

Q. What colour looks best on you?
A. Black. I wear a lot of green though.

Q. Have you ever swallowed a non-food item by mistake?
A. Are bones and teeth non-food items?

Q. Have you ever saved someone’s life?
A. Only unbeknownst to me. By dilly-dallying on the sidewalk I have probably caused people to not step in front of a bus at least once. Or maybe I caused someone to step into traffic later in the day because of a chain of events set in motion because I took too long at the bank machine once.

Q. Has someone ever saved yours?
A. One night a DJ saved my life.

DAREOLOGY

Q. Would you walk naked for a half mile down a public street for $100,000?
A. Totally. Assuming the fine is less than $100,000.

Q. Would you kiss a member of the same sex for $100?
A. Sure. Assuming they don’t ahve mouth cancer.

Q. Would you allow one of your little fingers to be cut off for $200,000?
A. Yes. In Canada they’ll sew them back on for free!

Q. Would you never blog again for $50,000?
A. Hell yes. Sign me up.

Q. Would you pose naked in a magazine for $250,000?
A. Sure. Unlikely there’s a puffy indie-nerd fetish mag out there?

Q. Would you drink an entire bottle of hot sauce for $1000?
A. This I would not do.

Q. Would you, without fear of punishment, take a human life for $1,000,000?
A. Depends on the human life in question.

Q. Would you give up watching television for a year for $25,000?
A. I don’t watch television now. But I’d even give up watching DVDs.

DUMBOLOGY

Q: What is in your left pocket?
A: Mayhaps some lint.

Q: Is Napoleon Dynamite actually a good movie?
A: No. Not really.

Q: Do you have hardwood or carpet in your house?
A: Hard wood.

Q: Do you sit or stand in the shower?
A: I remember being woken up after passing out in the shower after a hallowe’en part once.

Q: Could you live with roommates?
A: I could… don’t really want to…

Q: How many pairs of flip flops do you own?
A: Why do people own them?

Q: Where were you born?
A. Richmond, BC.

Q: Last time you had a run-in with the cops?
A: On the way to the rumble.

Q: What do you want to be when you grow up?
A: A wizard.

FAVORITOLOGY

Q: Number?
A: 13 or 7 or 9 or 3 or 6 and sometimes 8

Q: Colour?
A: Red.

Q: Season?
A: Autumn

CURRENTOLOGY

Q: Mood?
A: Unfettered

Q: Listening to?
A: Wooden Shjips

Q: Watching?
A. People walk past my cube.

Q: Worrying about?
A: Finding an afforable, reliable, not cracked-out moving company.

 

LASTOLOGY

Q: Friend you talked to?
A. Siobhan

Q: Last person who called you?
A: Eva. My soon to be ex-landlord.

Q: Person you hugged?
A: Nicole.

Q: Person you kissed?
A: Nicole.

Doppelganger + movements

» Yesterday my free Muppet me was waiting on the doorstep. I need to find him some smaller glasses, but otherwise he’s pretty rad. Real Art did a pretty good job on the little guy. » My desk is being moved after I leave tonight. Actually, my desk is staying put, my stuff is being moved.  » Speaking of moving, this is Nicole’s last weekend in the apartment and next week is her last week. It’s going to be one big lonely apartment after that. I don’t move into my awesome new quiet one-bedroom pad until October (will finally be able to record without busses and cars bleeding through). Nicole’s new place is in the more interesting neighborhood of Roncesvalles.

Post of Last (not James Last)

» Last week Ken asked me to record a few reviews for Enthusiam Radio (or Super Happy Raggae Vibrations or whatever he’s calling it now) and so I did. He used THIS one of the new Beck album but not THIS one of the new Batman movie. I suppose you could call these podcasts. I’ll be doing another shorter, less rambling one next week.

» Last night on episode 2 of west coast visitors, I had dinner and brews with Elle J at a place called Java House. Which seemed to serve more beer and food than java. 

» Lastly, Abandonment is one of the fastest selling Arachnidiscs title to date. Between online and in-person sales, we’ve movied 8 copies in two days. Yay Nicole! **Edit: add two more sales today**

Abandonment, unbreakable + rain

Nicole Gauthier “Abandonment”
Originally uploaded by Ampersand Photography.

» New Release Tuesday: I’m proud to announce the release of Nicole’s CD Abandonment. “Haunted with naked honesty, Abandonment is the debut album from Toronto singer/songwriter Nicole Gauthier. 14 songs of love, loss, death and renewal.” Available, of course, at the Arachnidiscs store. Listen to “Growing Forward” on the Arachnidiscs Myspace page.

» The war going on below my knees with my Docs continues. They refuse to be broken. Though the back of my heels have won their battle, the shoes are striking back with blisters on the sides. I will be victorious though. These shoes will obey me.

» Toronto is excessively damp these days. Either raining or just humid. Often both. I can’t decide if I liked BC rain better. It’s certainly more comfortable. But the intensity of Ontario rain is spectacular in way BC rain rarely is. I suppose I can be a fan of both.
 

Pink, oath + doppelganger

» On friday I was wearing a pink t -shirt to match my red Converse and Nicole was worried I’d get gay-bashed on the way to work. She said I really am  “a straight man in a gay man’s body.” I disagreed. But then later that day I was asked if Baz Luhrmann directed The Adventures of Priscilla Queen of the Desert. As if I was clearly an expert on such matters. It made me wonder.

» Also on Friday I signed my contract. And pledged my oath to be a good civil servant. The oath ends every paragraph with “So help me god.” Which seemed a little archaic, but there you go. If I divulge secrets about Ontario drinking water, God will strike me down.

» Apparently my Jake-Muppet is in the mail!

Unbroken, slab + release

Muzzy 2
Originally uploaded by Ampersand Photography.

» My new Docs are killing my heels. These shoes are resisting being broken-in. I need the services of a shoe whisperer.

» Yesterday we had a party to celebrate the release of the Chief Drinking Water Inspector’s annual report. We ate pizza and slab cake. And then drank really tart coffee in hopes of disolving the petroleum product frosting.

» New release tuesday… was yesterday. I updated the Arachnidiscs store to suit. A new Urbane Decay EP. Abandonment , the debut album from Nicole Gauthier, should be released two new release tuesdays from yesterday.

Retract, contract + ear tract

» Apparently the BC Climate Action Dividend us new Ontarians received was a clerical error and we’ll be forced to pay it back next tax season. Which doesn’t seem fair to me. But not unexpected.

 

» Better news though: I’ve been offered an actual contract with the Ministry of the Environment. So no more being “just a temp” and a second-class citizen of the 19th floor. I’m pretty excited about it. Maybe in time I’ll actually be made a permanent employee? One can dream their civil service dreams.

 

» I finally bought new ear-buds. Proper Skull Candy ones (apparently prone to breaking, we’ll see) that seal off the ear-canal. Now I only ever turn my MP3 player up to a maximum of 2 whereas I was on average cranking it somewhere between 14 and 18. Also, nattering idiots on the subway are entirely blocked-out from my hearing. Delightful. I suppose I am in greater danger of walking front of a bus or car. But it’s a risk I’m willing to take.

 

Musicness

» I got a bunch of records from www.folkwaste.com a few weeks ago I’m going to have to listen to this week. 

» Listening to Pablo Honey today and hearing all sorts of good little bits here and there I’d sort of blocked out before. Still Radiohead‘s weakest album. Sounds like it was recorded in about two hours. Live through a pub’s PA board. Which it probably was.

» Since I’m working on new material these days, it’s time to put up the whole Urbane Decay Dreambeat EP available for free download. You can do that by clicking this. A streaming player will pop up, but you can click “download” if you so desire.

New releases, GST + Survey

» Maybe I’m tired this morning, but the iTunes previews of Modern Guilt sound really good. Of course, I thought The Information was good for about a week too… Apparently Beck has the ability to pull the wool over my ears. Not this time Beck. I’m not falling for it this time. Nooooo. Huh, the Vancougar record sounds really good too. I’d better check and make sure I’m not having a stroke. Nope, Matt Mays sounds like shite. I’m okay. What else is new… Blind Pilot sound like Devendra Banhart bred with Sufjan, but castrated, with all the awesome sucked out and spit discreetly in a bucket. For people who like their weird folk-pop to contain absolutely nothing weird. Glint would be almost good without the whiny, too-strong, nasal, scenestery vocals. Something breathy and soft and it’d have been pretty decent. Too bad, you fail. The new Ratatat seems to be a little more adventurous. But in the absolutely blandest way you could possibly add a little Animal Collective to their Daft Punk. Sort of a loungy Kid A. Actually a lot like one of those terrible switched on moog records. Not even going to listen to the Melvins. The Sub Pop 20th anniversary sampler includes no Nirvana or Mudhoney (there is a Green River track). Good for you Sub Pop 20th anniversary sampler. I’d forgotten that Sebadoh song is quite good.

» The money keeps falling from the sky. For some reason I got a GST cheque yesterday. Really didn’t think I’d get the rebate this year.

1. Are you an innie or an outie? Innie.

    

2. Have you ever written a song? Probably over 2,000.

    

3. Can you make change for a dollar right now? Yes. I have a bag of change in my desk I’m saving for the happy panhandler outside the magazine shop downstairs.

    

4. Have you ever been in the opposite sex’s public toilet? Once or twice.

    

5. Have you ever written a poem? Hundreds.

    

6. Do you like ketchup on or beside your fries? In recent years I’ve adopted the beside technique. I used do it on top. Now I like more control.

    

7. Have you ever been a boy/girl scout? Cub scout. Weird wolf cult. Dib dib dob dob…

    

8. Have you ever written a book? Only my undergrad thesis. A novella called Toast.

    

9. Have you ever broken a mirror? Yes. I’m sure.

    

10. Are you superstitious? Not a bit.

     

11. What is your biggest pet peeve? Slow walkers. Fill me with sidewalk rage.

     

12. Do you slurp your drink after it’s gone? Depends how anxious I feel.

     

13. Have you ever blown bubbles in your milk? I’m sure I have.

     

14. Would you rather eat a Big Mac or a Whopper? Neither. Blech.  Wendy’s Jr. Bacon Cheeseburger though…
15. Have you ever gone skinny-dipping? Not that I’m aware of.

     

16. Would you ever parachute out of a plane? Fuck no.

     

17. What’s the most daring thing you’ve done? Driven a car.

     

18. When you are at the grocery store, do you ask for paper or plastic? I say, “I don’t need a bag.”

     

19. True or False: You would rather eat steak than pizza. False. Unless it was $25 steak someone else was paying for.

     

20. Did you have a baby blanket? It even had a name: Blankie. 

     

21. Have you ever tried to cut your own hair? I did for years there.

     

22. How did that turn out? Patchy. I liked it that way.

     

23. Have you ever sleepwalked? Don’t think so.

     

24. Have you ever had a birthday party at McDonalds? No. Wanted to have my 30th in the Caboose in Nanaimo, but didn’t.

     

25. Can you flip your eye-lids up? Not going to find out.

     

26. Are you double jointed? I have several joints.

     

27. If you could be any age, what age would you be? Space age.

     

28. Have you ever gotten gum stuck in your hair? Maybe.

     

29. Do you ride roller coasters? Not since I was a kid.

     

30. What’s your favorite carnival ride? That spinny paint booth.

     

31. What is your dream car? Electric.

     

32. What is your favorite cartoon of all time? Spirited Away.

     

33. Have you ever eaten a dog biscuit? Yep. And Tender Vittles.

     

34. If so, would you eat another one? Probably not.

     

35. If you were in a car sinking in a lake, what would you do first? Undo the seatbelt.

     

36. Have you ever ridden in an ambulance? Um… no. Wait, yes. Elementary school field trip. Maybe we just sat in the back.

     

37. Can you pick something up with your toes? My shoes. If I’m wearing them.

     

38. How many remote controls do you have in your house? 3.

     

39. Have you ever fallen asleep in school? Yes.

     

40. How many times have you flown in an airplane in the last year? Once, maybe twice.

     

41. How many foreign countries have you visited? I think 9.

     

42. If you were out of shape, would you compete in a triathlon if you were somehow guaranteed to win a big, gaudy medal? No. That’s absurd.

     

43. Would you rather be rich and unhappy, or poor and happy? That’s an absurd question.

     

44. If you fell into quicksand, would you try to swim or try to float? I’d try to float until someone threw me a snake, I guess.

     

45. Do you ask for directions when you are lost? Depends on how lost and how much time I have.

     

46. Have you ever held a Mexican jumping bean? No.

     

47. Are you more like Cinderella or Alice in Wonderland? More like the Cheshire Cat or the White Rabbit.

     

48. Would you rather have an ant farm with no ants or a box of crayons with broken points? That’s an absurd question.

     

49. Do you prefer light or dark bread? Bread made of light? Awesome.

     

50. Do you prefer scrambled or fried eggs? I do not eat eggs. Revolting proto-chicken mestruations.

     

51. Have you ever been in a car that ran out of gas? Yes. Kat’s van. Vince and I had to push it.

     

52. Do you talk in your sleep? Apparently a little.

     

53. Would you rather shovel snow or mow the lawn? Lawn. 

     

54. Have you ever played in the rain? That’s an absurd question.

     

55. Did you make mud pies? No.

     

56. Have you ever broken a bone? Not sure.

     

57. Would you climb a very high tree to save a kitten? No. They’ll get down on their own when hunger conquers their fear. Or become a tree-cat. Which is kind of cool.

     

58. Can you tell the difference between a crocodile and an alligator? Yes. But the Mutual of Omaha guy couldn’t apparently.

     

59. Do you drink pepsi or coke? No.

     

60. What’s your favorite number? These days 9.

     

61. If you were a car, would you be an SUV or a sports car? I’d be a hybrid.

     

62. Have you ever accidentally taken something from a hotel? Nothing accidental about it.

     

63. Have you ever slipped in the bathtub? Minorly.

     

64. Do you use regular or deodorant soap? Regular.

     

65. Have you ever locked yourself out of the house? Yes.

     

66. Would you rather make your living as a singing cowboy or as one of the Simpsons voices? That’s an absurd question. Simpson’s voice.

     

67. If you could invite any movie star to your home for dinner, who would it be? Tom Cruise. We’d have a little chat.

     

68. Do you need corrective lenses? One for each eye.

     

69. Would you hang out with / date someone your best friend didn’t like? Didn’t work out so well for me in the past.

     

70. Would you hang out with someone your best friend liked, but you didn’t like? I’ve met some good people that way.

     

71. Have you ever returned a gift? Yes.

     

72. Would you give someone else a gift that had been given to you? Yes.

     

73. If you could attend an Olympic Event, what would it be? Beijing Canal Rat Wrestling.

     

74. If you could participate in an Olympic Event, what would it be? Beijing Canal Rat Wrestling.

     

75. How many pairs of shoes do you own? As of sunday, three!

     

76. If your grandmother gave you a gift that you already have, would you tell her? Probably not.

     

77. Do you sing in the car? Don’t do anything in the car.

     

78. What is your favorite breed of dog? Frankfurter

     

79.  Would you donate money to feed starving animals in the winter? What kind of animals?

     

80. What is your favorite fruit? Raspberry.

     

81. What is your least favorite fruit? Tomato.

     

82. What kind of fruit have you never had? Lychee.

     

83. If you won a $5,000 shopping spree to any store, which store would you pick? Some music instrument store, probably.

     

84. What brand sports apparel do you wear the most? Converse Chuck Taylors.

     

85. Are/were you a good student? Dean’s list.

     

86. Among your friends, who could you arm wrestle and beat? Nicole. Maybe.

     

87. If you had to choose, what branch of the military would you be in? Communications.

     

88. What do you think is your best feature? My glasses.

     

89. If you were to win a Grammy, what kind of music would it be for? They don’t give Grammys for “good” music.

     

90. If you were to win an Osacr, what kind of movie would it be for? Probably an art film or animation.

     

91. What is your favorite season? Fall.

     

92. How many members do you have in your immediate family? 2

     

93. Which of the five senses is most important to you? Hearing.

     

94. Would you be a more successful painter or singer? Haven’t been terribly successful at either.

     

95. How many years will/did you end up going to college? 8. Six for my BA + 2 for my Graphic Design.

     

96. Have you ever had surgery? Dental.

     

97. Would you rather be a professional figure skater or professional football player? Absurd. Absurd. Absurd.

     

98. What do you like to collect? Music. Graphic novels. Don’t really like collecting or owning anything anymore but it’s hard to break the habit completely.

     

99. How many collectibles do you have? Not really any “collectibles” anymore. Just “things.”

     

100. What one question would you add to this survey? Have you ever had to kill your own pet?

      

Docs’n’Cons + nanobots

» Bought myself two pairs of shoes yesterday. Doc Martens and some red Chucks. They guy at the store took pleasure in tossing my blown-out slippers in the trash-can outside the store.

» Electronic devices seem to be failing and then repairing themselves around me. The CD drive in my work PC has suddenly decided to start functioning again. For a while it kept spitting post-it notes until it stopped reading discs at all. I guess I finally cleared the sticky-gunge off the lens by repeatedly inserting discs in hopes it would magically work. Which it does now. Also my MP3 player went haywire last week. I’d turn it on and the start-up screen would show up fractured and in mirror writing. Then the display would shut off completely and it’d play the first folder only. Changing the batteries and taking the memory card out didn’t help. After a day and a half, it simply went back to operating as normal. I suspect there’s nanobots in play here.