Jakob needs… 2

 

see_dot_rant

 [trevor] had the brilliant idea of turning the “_____ needs” meme into a google image search.

 

 

Jakob needs… a new logo

Jakob needs… new clippers


Jakob needs… new parents

Jakob needs… a new barber.


Jakob needs… a new hobby

~ Ms. Adrienne took me out to lunch for my birthday. We had a really nice time talking about our parents’ illnesses and how we’re both genetically doomed. Seriously, it was the nicest conversation I’ve ever had about illness and death.

~ Next up, dinner with my genetically doomed parents. For which I entirely forgot to make reservations. Not that we’d need them tonight. I’m more concerned we’re not going to have anything to talk about except whether or not “there’s a girl in the offing.” I’m trying to make a short list of speaking points to steer clear of the topic. Maybe I’ll put them on an index card I’ll keep in my lap.

– Work hijinks (there is none, gotta make something up)
– Band news (If I tell them about the new Urbane Decay I may have to give them one. And my songs make my mom sad and, well, will just bring us back to the topic of girls)
– My weird diet (oh man, I don’t want to explain that)
– The snow (safe and boring)
– The family chaos on the mainland (always a good stand-by)
– Their friends who are sick and/or dying (now I’m cooking with gas!)
– Our cats

~ My uncle David sent me another screenprint. The accompanying letter was somewhat ominously signed “Temporarily yours…” I’d better write him a letter this week.

Jakob needs…

go to google
type in “your name” needs
what are the first 5?

1. “The curve clearly shows that you need to test with at least 15 users…”
2. “Because Jakob needs a heart…”
3. “He needs a hug…” 
4. “He needs to consider the willingness of the population…” 
5. “There is no legal reason why Jakob needs to assume ownership of your clips…”

And “Jake” needs…

1. “Jake needs financial backing…”
2. “jake needs to know the URL patterns in order to make a link.”
3. “Jake needs more back-story…”
4. “Jake needs to admit he takes it up the ass.”
5. “Jake Needs Money For a Hooker. Sorry.”

Sagittarius Horoscope for week of November 30, 2006

“On Jupiter’s moon Europa, there is an absolutely straight narrow line about 125 miles long. NASA’S photos show it clearly. Commenting on this improbably regular feature, renowned author and inventor Arthur C. Clarke says he finds it hard not to conclude that it was constructed by intelligent life. “I’m beginning to think the unthinkable,” he writes. Make that sentence your watchword in the coming week, Sagittarius. Be ready to imagine the unimaginable, see the unseeable, and think the unthinkable. And I mean that you should do that with the most optimistic attitude possible. According to my reading of the astrological omens, the almost unbelievable prospects coming into your sphere are interesting and invigorating.”
~ Rob Brezny

Name 9 people you can think of right off the top of your head.
Don’t read the questions underneath until you write the names of all 9 people.
This is a lot funnier if you actually randomly list the names first.. No cheating!!!

1. Steph
2. Stephen
3. Adrienne
4. Chelsea
5. Matt
6. Tracy
7. Andrew
8. Carissa
9. Rose

DONT LOOK AHEAD UNLESS YOU FILLED OUT THE TOP!

-How did you meet 3?
I was standing in a bad CD store (‘bad’ as in only sold bad CDs) in Qualicum, looking at a rack of cassettes deciding if I should buy a Cure tape when she came up to me and started talking. She was wearing a blue windbreaker and her hair was straighter than it is now. She knew my name and recognised me from Blackball and I vaguely recognised her from shows. But mostly I was confused and half unable to speak because this strange, beautiful girl was talking to me right out of the blue and my mind was slowly imploding.

-What would be different if you had never met 1?
When I was in design school, I may have had a disaster of a roommate instead of a great one. Or maybe one that I would have ended up dating and that never turns out very well. Unless we got married. Maybe I’d have kids now. Or maybe I’d have had to give up my apartment and live somewhere else because I couldn’t find a roommate. Regardless, things would be different.

-What would you do if 6 and 2 were going out?
Library love! But I’d be sad for them because that would only end in disaster. A really messy disaster.

-How do you know 8?
Then: she lived across the walkway from Petra and I when we lived in the condos on Selby. Now: she’s #2’s ladytype.

-What do you think about 7?
BFF. Though the idea of calling him “BFF” is probably the most hilarious thing EVAR.

-What would you do if 5 confessed they loved you?
Giggle uncomfortably. Then call the whitecoats.

-A Fact about 9?
Had a puppylove crush on me when she was in grade 9. And her grade 12 student card is now a magnet on my fridge. That’s two facts.

-Who is 4 going out wit?
She mentioned to me that someone’s been saying they’re “seeing” her. She seemed perplexed by this. But I really am not in the loop of her life anymore. So have really no idea.

-When is the last time you & number 6 hung out?
We never have. Some nice chats on the phone though. I used to invite her to my board games nights but she flat-out refused to attend.

-What do you like about number 1?
She is fun, fun, fun. And talented, talented, talented. And I liked her band. And was great to live with. And she’s got a heart of gold under its hard, black exterior.

-Is 2 your bestfriend?
He is certainly in the running. If #8 didn’t monopolize his time, maybe he would be.

-Do you miss number 3??
Yes.

People have their x-mas trees up.

~ The apartment seemed incredibly empty tonight. So I decided to make peace with the snow. Yeah, I guess the snow’s alright. So long as the City keeps the roads clear, I guess we can be friends. Either that or the City has to stop plowing all together so that I don’t have to go to work. What have you done for me lately snow? Nothing. Maybe I’m not ready to make nice. Holy crap. The snow has me quoting the Dixie Chicks. This has gone too far.

[ Colour version of the pic I posted on Flickr ]

Wake up!

~ This morning I accidentally hit the “snooze” button instead of the “off” button on my alarm before reluctantly crawling out of bed and getting into the shower. The bed was a warm cocoon and getting naked in the frosty cold seems unappealing. When I emerged from the second warm cocoon of the shower, I found my alarm blaring. My alarms get progressively louder until the speaker is about half a decibel from being blown. And then doesn’t shut itself off no matter how long its been going. It’s not so much an insistent electronic buzz at this point but a harsh pulsing entity that gives of sonic rays almost visible to the human eye. I turned it off and hoped that it didn’t bother Helen and Steve. I didn’t think about it again until I got home and it turned out Helen had left an angry message this morning while I was in the shower. “It seems you’re sleeping through your alarm. WAKE UP JAKE AND TURN YOUR ALARM OFF!” She may not have been so much angry as extremely tired. Tired enough not to make the logical observation that if I could hear the phone ring, I would probably be aware my alarm was in agony. Though if I was doing it on purpose, I imagine anger would have been justified. Oops.

Snow job

~ Really, snow doesn’t affect my ability to do my job at all. Yet, when it’s snowing, I feel entirely demoralized and fully in the belief that there’s no purpose to me being here. Strange psychological association I have with the colour white I suppose. 

Perhaps that’s why I don’t have white walls at home. Except in my studio where I’ve tried to carpet the walls with posters and snapshots. Might be why I have black dishes instead of white as well. I just realized I’ve been eating off my white dishes lately, and hating it. 

I think the only place I like white is on paper. Off-white paper angers me. Anger might be a strong word. Depends on how off-white the paper is and how it’s being used. I get sort of a twitch in my right eye when I see off-white paper used poorly. It’s the same reaction I get to seeing a bad band. Off-white paper, used needlessly, is like seeing a second-rate Hedley.

It’s really white outside right now. I don’t feel like being here. I feel like being at home with my cat watching Star Trek. Except my DVD player doesn’t function anymore. And, actually, really I feel like being at home playing videogames with my girlfriend. Except I don’t have a girlfriend or a videogame console. Mostly I just want it to be April. I like April. April isn’t white or grey or that kind of rotten brown colour in the gutters and the streets.

It looks too clean outside. Like hospital clean. It makes me feel nervous, on edge, like I’m about to get a needle in the shoulder. I don’t even mind needles that much. Not half as much as I dislike snow and the sinister, stark whiteness of it all.

“Why not phone-in with a birthday curse for me?”

~ Ms. Adrienne and I went to Casino Royale this afternoon. The power went out right before the last 5 minutes. Seems worth it since we got free passes. So we didn’t see the “Bond, James Bond” tagline at the end which must have been pretty much glued on anyway.  That movie could have been trimmed down a good 45 minutes without really losing any of the appeal. Certainly the airport chase could have been cut by 75% — it was pretty much a by-the-book jump-on-the-truck-fight right out of Raiders of the Lost Ark or every single other Bond film. Seemed most of the action sequences were like that. Long and derivative. Much like movie action sequences always are these days. In a few years even the spicy parkour sequences everyone is starting to use will feel like that [Oh, yeah, jumping through a tiny window from a near standstill… yawn.] Still, obviously the movie was heads better than the dire Brosnan years.

~ My fear of snow almost caused me to skip on Pins of Light today, but I soldiered down to the station anyway.  A few new weekly segments added to the show which I am pretty excited about. Apocalypse Watch [brought to you by Stamos — For Women] especially. I also enjoyed the sound of collage-making going on in the background.

~ My DVD player has finally called it quits. It shakes and makes noises like someone using a wood-chipper to make a pine-apple and Lego smoothie.

Snow… you are on notice.

~ Ken dropped off the DWE CDs. So I can now ship them out across the nation “without any mention whatsoever” of Ken’s name. He seems overly miffed his music might get played on college radio nationally. Because I suppose people hearing his music would be the worst fate to befall him ever. Artists…

~ Recently divorced halfway-house will not be housing a new divorcee. But that doesn’t mean a divorce didn’t happen. This is a real crappy town for romance.

~ Had lunch with Ms. Homer today. It was a nice time. That water seems to have actually passed under that bridge (cynical me thought it’d be an awkward visit). And it was a damn good Armani’s burger.

~ I almost got caught in the snow this afternoon. I would have been very put-out if I had. Snow and I do not get along. So much so I opted to walk to CHLY to meet Mel before heading to the second half of Carpenter‘s birthday party. Mel having apparently forgotten to tell me about the first half which was a surprise dinner. Anyway the snow was, at this time, really wet sleet which drove itself right through my scarf and toque and froze my face into a crispy mask. Thank bejesus I got a ride home. Sleet and I don’t get along either. And freezing rain and I haven’t been on good terms on the past.

~ Today was the second day in a row I ate dairy. I assume my bodywill be rebelling tomorrow.

The Isle of Jacobia

~ Note to self: Try not to listen to Stina Nordenstam today. She just makes you sad. A nearly three hour Stina playlist is maybe overkill. Perhaps even emotionally unhealthy. But so, so achingly beautiful… yeah… back into the fray for these ears. Like maudlin heroin for the heart.

~ There’s a small (I hope minutely small — not for my sake, but theirs) chance I may have a new “recently divorced” halfway-house temporary roommate. I was just about to take down the poster too. 

~ Urbane Decay pre-orders are coming in. From Australia, no less. A woman who used to drink with a Boys Next Door era Nick Cave.

~ Had a very interesting conversation regarding the semantic definition of “seeing someone” on MSN last night. A conversation that had a shocking revelation at the end. Well, not shocking so much as… intriguing.

~ Why people listen to music that is not Stina Nordenstam, I don’t understand. On the utopian island kingdom I will one day found, she will write the national anthem and sing it at the beginning of all state events. None of which will be sporting events. Unless you consider sonnet duels sporting events.

~ This is sort of amusing. Skip past most of the long, fireside introductory rant though.

“The fascinating glamour of your pain…”

~ Sometimes Brezny knows me so well, I think he’s secretly reading my blog… I certainly do have trouble letting go of the glamour of pain and the romance of cynicism. Sort of like I can’t see the forest of opportunity for the trees of miserablism. See… even those last two sentences are drenched in the perfume of dead black-roses. There I go again… I really don’t feel at all that dire. I have a vocabulary habits I need to break myself of. Fake Lent, where are you when I need you? 

“Whether we are on the threshold of a Golden Age or on the brink of a global cataclysm that will extinguish our civilization is not only unknowable, but undecided,” said Edward Cornish, President of the World Future Society. I bet that in the past year you’ve had comparable fantasies about the fate of your own personal destiny, Sagittarius. At times, it must have seemed as if you were teetering on the brink of a sulfurous abyss that was within shouting distance of the yellow brick road to paradise. Talk about conflicting emotions! But now that crazy-making chapter of your life story is coming to an end. No more teetering for you. No more inhaling noxious fumes from the infernal regions. I believe you have already been offered or will soon be offered an escort to the beginning of the yellow brick road. Let’s hope you’re not so addicted to the fascinating glamour of your pain that you turn down the escort.

Decaying

Urbane Decay: Jamie
Originally uploaded by Ampersand Photography.

~ Crushed CD covers are at the printers awaiting printing. Tonight Jamie [pictured] and I begin to figure out how we might play these songs live. I have an idea there should be CD release event of some kind. Hopefully before the new year. Maybe jointly with DWE?

While at Impact, waiting for Mark [and his surprising new fu-manchu mustache] to compute the price for printing, I saw Amy who is working there again. Maybe she never left. I thought she did. She has black hair now. She listens to Pins of Light apparently. I didn’t ask if she still hangs out with Frederick. Seemed indelicate. 

~ Seems I have gone from zero birthday plans to birthday plans galore. Well, zero to two. Lunch and dinner! Maybe even a company lunch the next day too.

~ The Maximum Yield re-design guinea pig is the Australian edition. I’m wondering how much my carefully considered (ha!) typechoices and minutely reasoned (ha! ha!) design strategies will get wholly bastardized and violated by the time the Canadian and USA editions get the treatment.