Three crappy things to start the year

December 31, 2009

» Last night I came home to find the power supply for my modem had blown up. Or, less dramatically, quietly stopped working, leaving but a slight whiff of burnt electronics in the air. After a relatively short time on the phone with Bell—they suspiciously knew exactly what had happened— they agreed to Purolate a new one to me. It will arrive withing two business days. Since tomorrow is a holiday, then it’s the weekend, this means it’ll maybe monday before I have internet at my house again. Why not just pick a new one up at the Bell store? That’s why they have Bell stores in malls, right? Well, you can’t pick up replacement adaptors at Bell stores anymore. They discontinued that service “months ago” apparently. I wonder if it’s because they couldn’t keep them in stock.

» I purchased my first TTC monthly pass reflecting the fare increase. I’m at a point in my life where the $12 increase doesn’t really affect me. There’s a vague “you bastards” floating around in the back of my head (as I have no choice but to use TTC) but until the monthly pass starts creeping up to the $200 mark, it’s one of those annoyances I can willfully ignore. Or I could if they didn’t raise the fare to an utterly annoying $121. It would have been so much more convenient if they’d only raised it $11 so you could take $120 out of the bank machine and plonk it down with no hassle. Now I’ll have to do that and make sure I have a loonie on me as well. Thinking about that just makes me want to punch someone in the face.

» There was a gang-related shooting about a block from my house. Actually about 20-feet from where Mandi parks her car when she stays overnight (my street requires a permit). In my neighborhood there’s actually a right side (south) and wrong side (north) of the tracks. Though this shooting took place on the right side, these guys came from the wrong side. It seems the victim thought he could stand up and push the bad element a little further north. It seems he was wrong.

Fright elevator

December 31, 2009

I had a job interview in this building. I’m quite confident the person who altered this sign was correct. I didn’t actually see the “fright elevator” but if the “fright stairways”, “fright hallways” and “fright fire exits” were any indication, this elevator’s control panel probably had special buttons for hell, your worst nightmare and clowns.

2009. End of line.

December 29, 2009

» Christmas.

Christmas is over. I’m back at work. The four-day weekend was surprisingly refreshing. Almost like a week off. Only not a week off at all. And we were, of course, pretty busy most of the time. It’s Christmas and no matter how much you try to down-scale things, you tend to be pretty busy. Especially when you make a Baby Meat Jesus for Christmas dinner.

In case you’re wondering, he was sacrilicious.

» 2009.

2009 is almost over. Responsible bloggers are supposed to recap the year, make “best of” lists, wax poetic about trends and newsmakers and generally act like they had their various fingers on the various pulses of various pop-culture arteries as the year breathes its last wheezing breaths.

I have no idea what happened this year.

Except swine flu. Because I’m pretty sure I got it. I’m reasonably sure a bunch of other things happened but I can’t think of what they might be. Whenever I do think of something and Google it, I find out it happened in 2007.

One thing I do know that happened is my poor desk posture has finally turned me into a cripple. Which leads me to the other blogger stand-by for end-of-year posts—the New Year’s Resolutions list.

Savvy bloggers will put a spin on the concept like calling it a “New Year’s Revolution” list. I’m going to step up my game here and call it my:

» 10  New Yeah! RevSOLUTIONs for 2010!

  1. Stop puking in my mouth every time I read the phrase “New Yeah! RevSOLUTIONs”
  2. Do some kind of daily exercises to uncripple myself
  3. Get that “ergonomics assessment” through work for my cubicle furniture.
  4. Get my eyes, teeth and organs checked for malfunctions
  5. Schedule in proper time for working on “the novel” instead of going at it willy-nilly.
  6. Schedule in time for painting, practicing guitar and learning the cello or sax while I’m at it.
  7. Magically pull more waking hours and free time out of my ass so I can do some of this stuff.
  8. Learn how to hack into and delete the blogs of people I disagree with.
  9. Take more sick days
  10. Blog less.

To exit

December 29, 2009

How beatniks exit the TTC streetcar

The TTC provides detailed instructions on how beatniks should exit the bus or streetcar.

TwitFic #3: Coffee Broken

December 24, 2009

She loved coffee and cigarettes equally. The milky cylinders and the liquid black as a tray full of ashes were her oldest, dearest friends. She’d come to depend on the dark, velvety steam to entice her out of bed every morning and the sultry smoke to keep her idle hands occupied.

Then she met a man who taught yoga and shunned stimulants. He only drank mineral water so she cast aside her cigarettes and her travel mug. He filled the void left by her two friends. Dreams of drinking him in coaxed her out of bed every morning, but that slowly faded like smoke.

When he left her he said she’d been too tired and grumpy in the mornings and she had a distracting habit of fidgeting with pencils and pens.

Visit Mr. Dapper’s Twitter for stories told 140 characters per day.

Mod God

December 21, 2009

I’m glad God is getting with the times and modernizing. Pestilence and famine are so 1000 A.D. Gas prices and gay marriage is where it’s at now.

We now break for some puerile humour

December 20, 2009

This product is called BALListol. It LUBRICATES and PENETRATES.

Thank you. Good night. I’ll be here all week. Don’t forget to tip your waitress…

A walk in the park

December 18, 2009

From the above sign I take the following possible messages:

  • Do not wear dinner plates on your feet
  • Right arms below the elbow not allowed
  • Do not stand in a smug, self-satisfied manner in the presence of pesticides
  • No penis holding in pesticide area
  • By “pesticides” we mean anti-human spray

I called the number but they couldn’t give me additional information on any of the above.

Things you see in the mall at Christmas.

December 17, 2009
  • Live trout. In a stream. That runs through a store. A store that also has a waterfall.
  • The man, obviously the step dad of the young child clinging to the harried woman’s legs, says, “He’s afraid of Santa? You gotta be goddamn kidding me.”
  • The cacophony of music and voices that ricochets off tinsel and strings of LED lights—it shimmers like heat distortion.

It’s beginning to look a lot like…

December 16, 2009

… a visit from the Residents’ Association. I didn’t think they allowed this kind of shit in Baby Point.

Santa appears to be taunting the two oxygen tent snowmen. As if those guys didn’t have it hard enough. What with the global warming and all.

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