Jellyfish, Phonemes, Wisemen, Douchies, Certain Death and a Hilarious Gig Poster

May 31, 2007

~ Watching The Gary Korp Band was kind of like watching a train-wreck where the train never quite got derailed. Or if it did, it got derailed into a field of marshmallow flowers and no one got hurt. 

~ Magali Meagher seemed surprised I wanted to buy her CDs and not Bob‘s. Bob did exactly the same set as the Cumberland show last October only with Nanaimo references in the films instead. In his “Fluke of World” song, he even did all his stutters and faux-I’m-just-making-this-up-as-I-go stalls exactly the same. Which I thought was kind of creepy.

~ There’s an Arachnidiscs download site now. You can find it here at this link to the right of the word “empeethrees” —  LINK.

~ There were these two older characters at the show last night. One looked, and acted, like Ray Manzarek and the other looked, and acted, like Bob Guccioni replete with medallion. They were drunk. They were drunk and yelled things out which were not so much witty as the sorts of things a drunk Ray Manzarek / Bob Guccioni team would yell out. 

~ Brent is going to attempt to paddle to Newcastle Island in an emptied-out dresser on friday.

~ Sister Ray is playing THIS show. Oh my. We’re really gonna set the mood that night.

Cocks, Krauts and Whiskey

May 29, 2007

~ This morning I was informed I have to put $20 into the pot to buy Boss a box of cigars for his birthday. I’m only down with this if we can buy some brand of Freudean novelty cigars that are made to look like penises. And even then I can only really get behind the deal if he’s made to smoke them in public. Perhaps he should be strapped to the hood of his big yellow and black, bee killing, Hummer and get driven around town while sucking on his cigars. And perhaps have “Schwarzenegger Uber Alles” tattooed on his butt. 

~ Schwarzenegger has a plan to make the world safe for SUV owners again. It involves scientists magically creating internal combustion engines powerful enough to drive tank-sized vehicles without causing pollution or using any fossil fuels. Schwarzenegger apparently has an understanding of thermal dynamics heretofore hidden from the restof humanity. Undoubtedly, a pre-war Nazi secret so powerful the Opus Dei were able to conceal it from automobile engineers and physicists for the last sixty years as they hoped to bring on the apocalypse with greenhouse gas emissions. Unfortunately, Schwarzenegger has yet to reveal these engines run on the blood and fat of Jews and homosexuals. His team of hollywood propagandists are still working on the proper spin to sell this revolutionary technology to the world.

~ Last night I was given the gift of one litre of triple distilled Irish Whiskey. I hardly know what to do with it. It sits alone on my liquor counter as a veritable towering monolith of alcohol. It’s so tall I think a family of pigeons may have taken roost on the cap but I can’t quite tell because I’ve misplaced my binoculars. I was also given a Ramones toque, proving that I am forever fifteen years old to my mom. Though apparently a fifteen year old with more refined drinking habits. 

Death, Socks and Pine Cones

May 27, 2007

~ On the walk to the Legion yesterday I saw some important things. The sidewalk beside the park was littered with the carcasses of dead wasps. Somebody doesn’t like wasps very much and found an efficient way of killing them en masse. They were so efficient about it the sidewalk was also littered with the shriveled corpses of bumble bees. Somebody doesn’t like bees very much either.

Later, I saw an ankle sock with pine cone stuck in it propped up against a telephone pole. It was quite deliberately done and I wondered to what ends this action was taken. I pondered, as I walked past this tableau, what kind of person would take the time to stick a pine cone in an ankle sock and then leave it propped up, in a very lonely and abandoned looking pose, against a telephone pole. I wondered if it was a signal left by a lover for another lover revealing a meeting place for a tryst — meet me by the telephone pole at the soccer field on Pine Street. I also wondered if some had stolen the sock from someone they admired, had ejaculated into it and then stuffed it with a pine cone to mask their shame.


May 24, 2007

~ Lisa, the woman who I work with, whose brother lost his thumb to the power-washer, has a friend whose baby is being taken off life-support and is expected to die today. She’s managed to work it into every conversation this morning.

D: “Lisa, what are we doing with these brochures?”
L: “We’re packing them up too. My friend’s baby is dying today.”
D: “So, should I put the brochures in the box with the flyers?”
L: “Yes, that’s what Linda wanted. It’s being taken off life-support. It was born sick.”

B: “Hey Lisa, did you get a hold of Brian?”
L: ” Yes, he says he has to talk to Derrick first before he can commit to advertising in Canada. My friend’s baby is dying today. It’s being taken off life-support. It was born sick.”
B: “Will we have an answer by Monday? We need to know by Monday.”
L: “Oh yes, he’s talking to Derrick as we speak. The baby can’t even hold its head up. He’s never been conscious; he doesn’t even know who she is.”
B: “Yeah, as long as we get an answer from Brian by Monday, we’re good.”

So far no one has wanted to talk to Lisa about her friend’s baby who is being taken off life-support and is going to die today. It was born sick, it’s never had the power to hold its own head up and it’s going to die today without ever knowing who its mother was. This external drama is not affecting the operations of the office at all. Exciting new methods for generating income are being devised and the methods already in place are being put into action while Lisa’s friend’s baby, who was born sick, is dying. It’s being taken off life-support and is unaware of all the money we’re raking in with all our exciting new methods of generating income.


May 20, 2007

I was having a bath and Bentley, who is a very large cat, came in and poked his head over the rim. He then proceeded to jump up on the rim and drink from the water. I didn’t know what to think about this. I decided to think he must be thirsty. He’s a large cat and when he’s thirsty he is bound to drink from the nearest source of water as is his right. I did briefly wonder why he didn’t find a human body submerged his water dish unappealing from a culinary standpoint. From this I deduced cats enjoy human flavoured broth and he was delighted at his luck.

During this incident I was listening to Amon Düül II. I think what I like best about this band is the fact they possess two umlaut bejeweled U’s in a row in their name. I also enjoy that they came up with so many terrible ideas which other bands made even worse. I think they wrote the precursor to perhaps every single terrible prog and metal riff. Also their singer sounds like a woman. Maybe the singer is a woman. Who’s to say.

Cucumber and thumb

May 18, 2007

~ Someone stole my cucumber out of the staff refrigerator. It was a whole cucumber of the long english variety. I went to get it yesterday at lunch and it wasn’t there anymore. There was just a cucumber shaped vacancy between Boss‘ gallons of yogurt and Janine‘s bags of cheddar cheese cubes. I thought maybe I was mistaken and had brought it home after all but when I got home there was no cucumber in my own fridge. I suspect the cleaning lady is the thief. Seeing as she looks pretty malnourished (yet overweight), I will consider it my act of charity for the week. I hope she made her kids a nice salad.

~ A woman I work with’s brother just blew his thumb off with a pressure-washer. She’s just taken off to the hospital to see how he’s doing. A pressure-washer. Jesus. That thing must have gone flying. I wonder if it landed in someone’s lap.

Highschool Night

May 17, 2007

~ Last night was a refreshing highschool flashback. After having dinner at Amriko’s (I had a tasty vindaloo and too much naan bread), we took an impromptu hike up Sugarloaf Mountain. It’s pretty nice up there. Ryan climbed a tree. Kai was wearing a suit. It made everything seem like a fashion ad. I think all men under 30 should wear casual suits. After that we went to the DQ because Daniele really wanted icecream. Lots of other people had this idea. People with sour faces. Ryan got a free oil bucket because there was a sign on the counter saying you could have free oil buckets upon request. The manager made an unimpressed looking girl go into the basement to fetch it. She couldn’t believe her luck at being given this task, you could tell. I think she may have had to out-wit a three-headed dog to retreive the object. We ate icecream while she did so. It was more of a jug than a bucket and smelled vaguely like rancid oil. Then we took the huge plastic jug into the parkinglot and attempted to make a Mentos cannon out of it. It did not work and we abandonned the huge jug full of Diet Coke and Mentos in the parking. Meanwhile police were arresting some guy across the road. We think for forcing his cats to run a grow-op. “You gotta be kitten me,” said Daniele. Pictures, but not of the arrest, or the grow-op cats, or the failed Mentos cannon, at this link.


May 15, 2007

~ Apparently it’s some kind of “don’t buy gas” day today. I bought gas yesterday so I can comply with this and feel sanctimonious. Since people don’t buy gas everyday, only when they’re low, it seems like a pointless protest. What are people going to do? Abandon their cars on the side of the road because they ran out and refuse to buy gas today? Not likely. Seems a better protest would be to not drive your car all week or, better yet, run around the city lighting cars and gas stations on fire.

Sunday blahs

May 13, 2007

~ Saw Mr. Dapper at the grocery store yesterday. It had been a long time since my last sighting. He looked… thinner. And dapper.

~ Had a nice coffee with Jodi. I’d certainly recommend having coffee with Jodi and hearing her insane and terribly amusing stories.  We even divised a cunning plan to make the Jake, Jodi, Miranda, Kai reunion possible.

~ Had an epiphany last night which I committed to paper.

~ Have been feeling kind of ill this weekend. This is kind of lame. I’m blaming the brightness of the sun but I suspect it’s not really the root cause but instead I have a wee bug of some kind.


May 11, 2007

~ There’s a rock and roll show coming up. #2 in the Rawk For Benson series. Some of Nanaimo’s finest rockers rocking for a pile of rock.

~ I got my days off for June. Freakin’ ay.

~ The assholes at the cable company tried to snag me with free cable for a month. I shut down that scam like a pro-wrestler would a… whatever is the natural enemy of a pro-wrestler is. A rodeo clown perhaps.  

~ The telephone company just gave me $10 free long-distance because they didn’t answer their customer service line when I called to find out what my long-distance plan was last week.

~ The guy behind me in line at Save-On today was pomegranate juice crazy.

~ The girl at the express check-out was slower than a molasses enema in a polar bear’s hiney. Maybe she didn’t notice the express sign was flashing.

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