Spam Jams: Parkinson Jack (Part 1)

We all get them. Dubious offers from strangers with questionable grammar. They often have names like “Mr. Parkinson Jack” or something even more ridiculous. I was recently contacted by Mr. Jack with the following email.

Dear Sir/Madam,

I represent a group of company based in united kingdom and Middle east we are currently seeking means of expanding and relocating our business interest in the following sectors:banking,real estate,stock speculation and mining,transportation and tobacco.If you think you have a solid background and idea of making good profit in any of the mentioned business sectors in your country.

please write me for possible business co-operation.Moreso,we are ready to facilitate and fund any business that is capable of generating 10% annual return on investment(AROI).JV patrnership and loan financing can also be considered.

Looking forward for a possible business collaboration with you.

Regards,
Parkinson Jack

Well, that seemed completely above board and an excellent opportunity so I responded.

Dear Mr. Parkinson,
 
Your proposal sounds interesting, I would like to hear more about it. I have a substantial sum of money I have just inherited that I am looking to invest in the near future.
 
Sincerely,
Clinton Hill

“Clinton Hill” was the best I could come up with on short notice. I liked it because it brought to mind Hillary Clinton. It seems to me she’d like to hear more about “possible business co-operation” and so might Clinton Hill.

Attn: Clinton Hill,
 
I apologize for the delay on getting back at you; I had a meeting with other interested investors who wants to release some of their funds to me for investments.
 
I was able to inform my client about your interest and readiness to invest his funds in your country, so now we need to start making arrangements on completing this transaction; you will need to send me your information/valid identification so that I can open a file on your behalf on our company’s Database.
 
Again, I will be preparing a contract agreement that will be binding you and my client together and also guild both of your mutually and legally.
 
Finally, please get back at me with required documents and also if possible some copies of your Business Plans/Executive Summary for my client’s perusal.
 
Thanks.
Parkinson Jack.

First off, I was intrigued by the idea of being “mutally guilded” to someone. It sounded romantic and old-timey. But I was confused about what Parkinson Jack wanted from me exactly. What “information”? I wasn’t sure how this scam was actually going to work or what they were trying to even accomplish. Parkinson seemed to need my help. I quickly blasted off an email asking “What information/valid identification do you need? Let’s get this ball rolling!” The reply came quickly.

Clinton Hill
 
I am in receipt of your email. Furnish me with your FULL NAME,FULL HOME ADDRESS,OCCUPATION,AGE,MARITAL STATUS,TELE/FAX,SEX, please i want you to tell me about your family this is what my client want for smooth assurance to release the fund to your posession in your country.
 
As soon as you send your information the board director will open up communication with you for more advice and how capable you are to handle the huge of fund for this project.
 
Finally, please get back at me with required documents and also if possible some copies of your Business Plans/Executive Summary for my client’s perusal.
 
Best Regard.

I appreciated the personal touch asking for information about my family. I can only assume they were fishing for my mother’s maiden name, but perhaps I was being overly paranoid. Maybe Parkinson Jack was just a friendly fellow. Whatever the case, I let him have it.

Sorry for the delay in my reply. Here are the details you requested.
 
FULL NAME: Clinton Parker Hill
FULL HOME ADDRESS: 123 Main Street, Toronto ON, Canada, M6P 5H7
OCCUPATION: Escort
AGE: 43
MARITAL STATUS: On the market
TELE/FAX: 416-325-xxxx [On a whim I provided my actual office number]
SEX: MTF
 
My family comes from Romania where they made their fortune making Romanian fungi wine. Then came the communists and let me tell you they ruined everything. My family fled to Canada where fungi wine, it turns out, is a controlled substance due to its hallucinogenic properties. Canada is not as progressive as you would think but there’s fewer communists. Here, my grandfather made his second fortune in the taxi cab business. This is the fortune I’ve inherited. After my surgery, I want to start an adult film production company. I’ll need more start-up capital to achieve my goals. I’m hoping investment will supply with the needed returns.
 
Regards,
Clinton Hill
 

This is where things get weird. Parkinson Jack abandons his previous professional, though thoroughly cracked, facade and goes for a more casual approach.

Attn: Clinton Parker Hill
 
I am in receipt of your email.

Very sorry to heard about your surgery i think this is the time you shall overcome all your misfortune if you are sincere and honest to utilized the fund very well without any kind of hitch,let me enlight you a little how you can achieve this success without any delay i have to notorized the POWER OF ATTORNEY document in you favor/name from the british court of law here in UNITED KINGDOM for the smooth release of the fund to you as a bonifide beneficiary.
 
Moreover is a pity to say a biggest sorry to you with all your explanation but i want you bear in mind that we have to put our hands together to make all the issued work out systematically,just promised me you will follow all my instruction which i will give to you for future success and am guarantee you before next two week working days the fund will get to your account.

For your notice am going to the court tomorrow to find out how much will cost us to secured the power of attorney in your name immediately am done i will get back to you with any information for how to proceed thanks.

Best Regard.

What I really like about Parkinson is the way he’s very reassuring that he’s “in receipt” of my emails. It might seems like an obvious detail, since he’s replied to it, but it’s pure class. I also like his outside-the-box use of comic sans in  “business” correspondence. This is a man who is so determined to garner my trust, he’s willing to throw font-snobbery to the wind and show a more friendly, whimsical face. I was dismayed, though, that he didn’t pay attention to the “MTF” part of my letter and misconstrued the nature of my forth-coming surgery.

I am in receipt of your email.
 
I appreciate your sympathy regarding my up-coming surgery, but please be reassured I am looking forward to it! It is the final step towards my new life as a woman. It’s a process that’s been years in the making!
 
I look forward to hearing from you in regards to this “power of attorney” business.
 
Sincerely,
Clinton (Soon to be Clintina!) Hill.

Now, maybe it’s become obvious to you that I am, in purely colloquial terms, “fucking” with poor Parkinson Jack.  But regardless of that, some progress is finally about to be made in this transaction. Also, another font change.

Dear Clinton Parker

I acknowledge your email response date today 23rd of july 2010.
The attorney have give me the breakdown of the service charges fee to process the POWER OF ATTORNEY IN YOUR NAME from the british court of law,once this charges is been pay by you the process of the document will commence immediately from court.

 
Please look into this service charges fee and let move forward in order the transaction to move faster so that all the issued will be solve then endorse the POWER OF ATTORNEY as sole beneficiary of the fund.
 
This is to inform you that you have to let this transaction be secret reason the fund involve is a huge some amount in this case you have to be secrecy for security purposed.

This is what attorney is demanding as service charges fee as follow below:
 
1. Consultation charges fee: .. .. .. .. US$600.00
2. Stamp Duty/Notarisation: . .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. US$1500.000.00
3. Affidavit/Filling of Order of Mandamus:  .. .. .. .. US$2500.000.00
4. Date Booking: . .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. …. .. .. .. US$500.00
 Total .. .. .. .. US$5,100.00

 
Await Your Positive Answer.
 

Okay! Now we’re cooking with gas. Parkinson Jack has finally cut to the chase with the extortion.  But there’s a problem. Who the hell is “Clinton Parker”?

Wow. That’s a lot of money. As you know, I have to pay for my surgery first. Also, my name is Clinton HILL. Who’s Parker? And since my name is going to be legally changed to Clintina Supanova anyway, perhaps the power of attorney should be made in that name.
 
I have an idea, how about you go ahead with the lawyer thing and I’ll pay you back after my surgery has been paid for. You know, when I’m rolling in money from this “secret transaction.”
 
Regards, Clintina Supanova (Clinton Hill).

My dismay at the amount of money requested prompted a personal phone call from Mr. Parkinson Jack. Unfortunately, I’d forgotten that I’d given him my phone number. So when I answered the phone and the garbled voice on the other end of the line said, “Cleento Heel, pless.” I had assumed it was just a wrong number, said so, and hung up. Later I realized who’d called.

Attn:Clintina Supanova
 
Thank you for taking your time to listen to me concerning this transaction.
Firstly i know its not easy to raise such money but i want you to know that fund involve is a huge amount Mr Clinton try as much as possible to look for a mince to raise the part of it by the time the document will be finally secured you will pay for the balance this is the only way we can move forward to achieved our goal.

 
I know health is wealth but i want you to try and come up with some money so that the attorney can start the process of the POWER OF ATTORNEY in the court by next week tuesday,the attorney as already registered your name and its as recorded in a UNITED KINGDOM COURT file database as a sole beneficiary of the fund,i call you yesterday you pick up my call and answer me wrong number is this not your cell line TELE:416-325-xxxx if its not correct the cell line because its sound insultive to me with my personality to call wrong cell line and answer was negative.
 
I want you to give me a full assurance that you are very capable to handle this fund and make use of it wisely in your posession without disapointed me as such? i want us to finalised this deal by next week so run round to get this attorney service charge fee ready by on monday for attorney to start his duty from court immediately remember time is an equity.
 
This is the information you send to me as follow below:
 
FULL NAME: Clinton Parker Hill
FULL HOME ADDRESS: 123 Main Street, ON, Canada, M6P 5H7
OCCUPATION: Escort
AGE: 43
MARITAL STATUS: On the market
TELE/FAX: 416-325-xxxx 
SEX: MTF

 
Get back to with a positive movement of this transaction.
Have A Splendid Weekend.


Back to the comic sans “soft sell” I see. I started to feel a little bad for Parkinson at this point. The poor guy was working so hard and getting nowhere. Must be why he mistakenly refers to me as “Mr. Clinton”. Also “its sound insultive to me with my personality to call wrong cell line and answer was negative” is surely what a person’s mind imploding looks like in the form of a sentence . It’s probably why he didn’t even wait for a reply before sending this email.

Dear Clintina Supanova
 
Good morning i want to inform you that i lost my lovely father yesterday which am crying with a tear seriously in hospital bed right now,i want you to send $1,000 USD to the attorney now because he has register your name in the court file to start the process the POWER OF ATTORNEY.
 
Later when the attorney finalised with the document you will pay the balance this is to make the transaction easier for us to move ahead to the success stage hope you will try to raise the money today if you are ready to send the money i will give you information where to send the money to for smooth pick up do get back to me asap thanks.
 
Best Regard.

And back to the businesslike fonts. Also, haggling. Down to $1000. Cutting me a deal. I was beginning to wonder if Parkinson Jack had a multiple personality disorder. Probably brought on by his father’s death. I wasn’t sure which email to respond to so I replied to both.

Sorry the information provided should have been:
 
FULL NAME: Clintina Supanova
FULL HOME ADDRESS: 321 Main Street, ON, Canada, M8P 7V5
OCCUPATION: Escort
AGE: 34
MARITAL STATUS: On the market
TELE/FAX: 416-326-xxxx [this time I used the phone number of the person in the next cubical]
SEX: MTF
 
sorry for the confusion,
Clintina

And:
 
Sorry to hear about your father, I hope he gets better soon. What is the Attorney’s name for me to send the money to? I have the cheque ready, I need a name.
 
Cheerio,
Clintina

This where Parkinson begins to loose his resolve and pulls out the big guns.

Dear Clintina
 
Its clear to you that the information you provide is very wrong which am happy that the attorney have not send the information to the court database it will be very hard to change the name or eraze it immediately because of security purposed.
 
The attorney have demand for your international passport so that my client will send the identity to the paying bank as a sole beneficiary of the said fund,make sure you scan it as an email attahedment and send it to me.
 
For your information and security concious you should not exposed this transaction to any parties because the fund involve is total sum of $70.5 million USD,please keep it as a secrecy to yourself after the fund have get to your account in your country my client will come down to meet with you for the celebration of the successful of the transaction.
 
Best Regard. 

He’s going for the gusto now and upping the ante. The figure $70.5 million suddenly appears out of nowhere. All I need to do is send him a scan of my passport and it’s mine in all its comic sans glory? Done and done.

I am very sorry for the confusion. I swear I don’t know what could have happened. some days I don’t know where my head is at. It is probably the hormone treatments. Please find a scan of my international passport. I hope this can remedy the situation and speed up the process.
 
Best wishes, Clintina

But that wasn’t the only email I received from Parkinson that morning. He’s clearly has lost track of who he’s talking to. Which is understandable. I’m sure he deals with hundreds of “clients” every day.

Dear Clintina
 
Thank you for your effort concerning this transaction.
The attorney advice to me for how you will send the service charges fee across to him today he is very busy man which he has instructed to tell you that western union money transfer is the best easier way to get the money across to him because is a little money and his own account is a TRUST ACCOUNT which you know the type of account all attorney operate.
 
If you agree to send the money through western union money transfer today you should let him know so that he can instruct her secretary to send her information to received the money immediately effect then he can be in a court tomorrow to start the process.
 
My father is died i cannot be able to write more for my advice please bear with me any inconviniency concerning this transaction and my regard to your family thanks.
 
Yours Faithfully

Parkinson’s simultaneous use of both present and past tense when referring to his father’s demise is nothing short of genius.

I’m confused about who I am supposed to be sending what information to? Is the lawyer a man or a woman and who is his/her secretary?
 
I would like to send the money to the TRUST ACCOUNT through western union but I don’t know who I’m sending it to. I need a name or account number. Please walk me through this. I am confused. It’s probably the hormone treatments.
 
Yesterday I saw a puppy eating a hot dog. I swear it was bigger than the puppy!
 
Yours truly,
Clintina

I have a feeling this might go on for a while…

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16 Responses to Spam Jams: Parkinson Jack (Part 1)

  1. Sophie says:

    hilarious

  2. Tony Pucci says:

    Dude, I am laughing out loud with tears in my eyes in a local coffee shop! Rock on, Clintina Supanova!

  3. Nick says:

    In word: amazing. best time I’ve had on the internet. ever. (possibly inaccurate)

  4. Ari says:

    The photoshopped passport was truly a stroke of genius.

    I really don’t understand how scam “artists” like these (I hesitate to call them artists because this is more like a thirteen-year-old’s bad tracings of her favorite manga) can successfully steal anyone’s money with such an appallingly poor grasp of the English language. Why don’t they stick to scamming people in the language they know best?

  5. weathereye says:

    These are all the things I want to say to the spammers who email me on an hourly basis (newspapers are notorious for this sort of spam). Well done, amigo. Epic.

    Next time, have him send you a photo of himself holding a fish. Trust me — they love doing that.

  6. mrdapper says:

    As of this morning, it get’s better. Stay tuned for pt. 2.

  7. nerdhurdles says:

    Gah! The suspense!!! -Mandi

  8. Dave says:

    Most amusing, Jakob…er, Clintina. You are a first class scambaiter. I look forward to the next chapter.

  9. f says:

    dooood.
    this is funny.
    gotta warn you though, the grammar is rubbing off on you.

    • f says:

      p.s.
      i admit to it, i’ve done the same.
      i tried to convince them that there was so much money at stake that they should fly to meet me in tokyo.
      it seemed a sound proposal, but for some reason they didn’t go for it.

  10. mrdapper says:

    Frederico, it’s hard to be confronted with that level of awesome daily and not take some of it on board. Also, grammar’s never been my strongest of suits.

  11. Alan says:

    Oh, this is just delicious. Can’t wait for part 2

  12. […] For the last week, as transgendered escort Clintina Supanova, I’ve been immersed in a conversation with an internet scam artist going by the dubious name ”Parkinson Jack”. Read the first part of our interactions here. […]

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