Spring Kills, episode II

Bad Riddance 6
Originally uploaded by Ampersand Photography.

» My springtime malaise continues. Lately I’ve had the same feeling about life that I have about a videogame I’ve completed. Take GTA Vice City. Once you’ve completed the missions, you can still wander around the city playing the game, but you lack any sense of purpose or fun without a goal to achieve.

I have a great girl, a nice place to live, some money saved but a general disinterest in playing the game. Also I think the looming uncertainty of my job continuing into July making it hard to muster enthusiasm for the daily grind. Perhaps I simply need to create goals for myself. Missions to complete and goals to achieve.

The problem is, I’ve been doing this already. Most notably with podcasting. Specifically Nerd Hurdles (for which there’ll be a moderately big announcement in the coming week). It’s not that I don’t have goals and ambitions, I just am losing faith that any goals and ambitions are worth achieving except as a diversion.

Aw crap. I’m having an existential crisis.

12 Responses to Spring Kills, episode II

  1. Anonymous says:

    ya, it’s called Depression

  2. atrophe says:

    if you have time to think you’re not trying hard enough

  3. aporia says:

    whatever became of your foray into zen?

    yes, i’m partly asking that as a dig at you suggesting you don’t know how to be happy if there’s nothing for you to need…

    but also asking because i’m interested to hear your thoughts on it all and if it had any lasting/meaningful impact on you.

    • mrdapper says:

      Tao has certainly continued to shape the way I live. But the problem with existing for the sake of existing and merely drifting with the flow of life, is combatting boredom.

      Since living against your nature is a basic source of unease, I suspect I’ve been living contrary to my nature lately. Though I can’t quite place how. I suspect having a full-time job isn’t the best model for myself. Especially with having so many projects on the go and feeling like I’m not doing any of them justice.

      For myself, accepting a life of total non-ambition would fight against my nature. I take Tao’s teaching in the sense it’s good not to strive for ridiculous un-needed material wealth, but I still need to strive for something.

      I think my actual issue is I’ve achieved a plateau and I’m not sure what my next destination should be. I think this has been causing me unease. I’m trying to discern where my nature wants me to go.

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