Hardness

Madonna’s much maligned Hard Candy reviewed track-by-track based on 30 second iTunes previews.

Candy Shop: Sounds kinda like a mash-up between Vogue and a Prince song.

4 Minutes (feat Justin Timberlake): Sounds like a mash-up of Sexyback and a Michael Jackson song. And compressed into the red to the point of lacking any dynamics. This will be the most hated ringtone of 2008.

Give It 2 Me: People who are not Prince have got to stop using “2” in song titles.The same goes for “U”. This kind of sounds like Vengaboys. A really annoying staccato fuzzy synth line. This song kind of made me want to murder someone in 30 seconds.

Heartbeat: The beat in this song is compressed to the point of being unlistenable. I think this album was designed to be listened to as ringtones. This song isn’t so bad and doesn’t sound quite as much like a low-rent mash-up of past, better Madonna singles. Might sound a bit like Kylie, actually.

Miles Away: Sounds like Kylie song, vaguely Pet Shop Boysish. Again with the beat being way in the redzone on a song that doesn’t suit it. Finding myself liking this one.

She’s Not Me: Sounds like a mash up of Blondie’s Rapture and any Britney track. Only not as good as either. The lyrics are terrible. Strangely makes me think of Miami Vice.

Incredible: An 80’s teen movie ballad with Max Headroom vocals and a distracting crunkish beat. Had to listen to it several times to believe.

Beat Goes On (feat. Kanye West): Forgettable. Chimes are nice. Strangely dated house keyboard vamp.

Dance 2nite: Similar, in a way, to Kylie’s All I See but nowhere near as good in concept or execution. Also that terrible use of the number 2 in the title.

Spanish Lesson: Music sounds fucked up and the lyrics make Madge sound like she’s molesting her children. Baffling.

Devil Wouldn’t Recognize You: Sounds vaguely like a techno nod to Like a Prayer in the chord progression or something. Mediocre.

Voices: ABBA harmonies and cheesy psychedelic/bollywood strings. Oh and that unlistenable distorted drum sound that’s been all over this album.

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12 Responses to Hardness

  1. Anonymous says:

    you forgot to mention the fact that the public is forced to stare at Madonna’s 50 year old crotch…

  2. cokenail says:

    she looks like a washed up WWF wrestler in this picture.
    it’s too bad because i thought the last album, confessions on the dance floor, was really catchy what with the disco beats and all. ‘hung up’ was great for dancing to

    • mrdapper says:

      “Confessions” was quite good. Especially the PSB remix of sorry, which, of course, I was biased towards. But this new album is like hardcore porn to Confessions’ softcore. It’s way overblown. I don’t think even a younger artist could have made it not sound skeevy and ridiculous.

  3. ninjaj says:

    have you seen the movie, Hard Candy? It too, is disturbing.

  4. bw_inc says:

    this post… was too funny! Good read at work.

    Work that I am not doing, because there is nothing…

  5. atrophe says:

    i was gonna make a ‘no grandma no’ comment but she’s actually kinda hot in her last video. hollywood magic.

  6. […] best-of album It does seem a little odd that whenever Madonna releases an album, I tend to write about it. I wouldn’t think I particularly care one way or the other about Madge. But I suppose […]

  7. […] does seem a little odd that whenever Madonna releases an album, I tend to write about it. I wouldn’t think I particularly care one way or the other about Madge. But I suppose […]

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